Things I Want to Punch in the Face: The
To know me is to
know I love to shop. I’ve been on both sides of the cash wrap and after decades
of hanging out in dressing rooms with funhouse mirrors and dodging overeager
sales associates, I’m here to share a few of my biggest retail fails*:
Shopping with a drink: Unless it’s a sippy cup, don’t browse
with your bevvie and don’t finger that silk blouse after downing your morning
Lingerie hangers: Unless you have a phD in product design, you aren’t getting that bra back on
the hanger. And unless you have tiny fingers, chances are you’re going to break
that hanger trying.
OSFA: Michael Stars, I’m looking at you. As a girl with big bazooms, don’t continue to tell me that
your stretchy tee is going to contain my double Ds.
Pricetag shock: Yes, it’s spendy. No, it’s not made by
child labor in third-world countries. Maybe, consider that unique, locally made
items are worth the investment.
Photographing the barcode or hangtag: Don’t try on a pair of boots and then go
home and buy them on Zappos. Try local and buy local.
Displaying one sample of each item: I’m not a size 6 and I’m not real psyched
about having to ask a salesgirl in need of a sandwich for a size 12. If you’re
only going to put one of each item on the floor, make it a size that most of us
can fit into on our first attempt.
Mirrorless dressing rooms:The most likely
reason that the mirror has no places is that you’re trying to flush me out of
the retail brush so you can get me in your sights and kill me with false
compliments. Reflect on that.
Worn Returns: There’s perfume on the fabric and a stain
on the sleeve that looks suspiciously like pinot noir. You know you wore it so
clip off the price tag and put it in your closet.
What are your retail gripes?
*These are my own beefs, and do not
reflect the opinions of Horseshoe or its staff.
is the New York Times-bestselling
author of more than 25 books, including the newly published Things I Want to Punch in the Face. She
lives in Seattle.
You can purchase Jennifer's witty books at the Secret Garden Bookstore in good ol' Ballard.
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